(Le sigh) I feel like a water fountain of tears. I've cried harder and longer in the last week than I have in a very long time. Part of me feels guilty because at times I feel like I have no control over my emotions. I also feel like I invest my emotions too deeply in things that I have absolutely no control over.
Thank God for mammas. My mother has definately been my biggest fan, biggest support and confident throughout this entire school year. Just when others look at me crazy, or don't understand why I do what I do for my students, my mother does. She appreciates it. She understands it. She never judges me. She listens to me. She shares words of sound Godly wisdom into my life. I love her so much and I could have NEVER asked for a bigger blessing than her.
Last week losing Devan was probably the hardest thing I've had to face this school year. Or maybe it was just the last straw that broke the camels back- honestly don't know. But when I looked in that casket, and saw that precious boy wearing that school uniform, my heart began to ache something terrible. Everything within me fell. Life, in that moment, seemed so unfair... and strangley reasonable all at the same time. I had every question hovering over my mind, but yet something in me understood perfectly. God is sovereign.
I am actively seeking refuge over this break from school. I need it. Although hard for me, I'm attempting to step outside of myself and seek the warmth of the company of others. I know, I can be a loner and a homebody. I get stuck in a rut. But right now I know I need a helping hand to move on. I've also switched up my routine a little. For example, normally I do my shopping over the weekends (groceries, etc) but I'm going to make plans for each day of break so that I can get out and get some fresh air. Of course I'll be working out at the gym- that always helps clear my mind. I've also bought The Hobbit, so I plan on finishing that over break too.
Sunny skies ahead.
Rest in peace Devan.